State of the Art

A title I have often used in publications when I simply can’t think of anything specific to write. I will give a run down of what’s happening in the West End at the moment. Here though, it is a little more desperate. I may have only lived in London for 10 years but I have never known the West End to be in such a state of flux. When I arrived Theatreland was riding on the crest of the long-run musicals – Starlight, Cats, Phantom, Saigon, Buddy, Les Mis – and naturally some are still running today. The point is that with the announced closure of Dickens Unbound, less than a month after it opened, it makes the third big West End failure in six months – Desperately Seeking Susan and Gone With The Wind being the other two. Marguerite seems to have advanced bookings for a while as well as a credible book and score but other than that, we await the opening of Zorro with much anticipation. Virtually re-cast for the West End – this one has been schlepping in the sticks with Amy Atkinson and Adam Cooper – we wait with baited breath to see if it will actually be any good. I hope so, at least if not for Emma William’s sake – two stinkers in a row doesn’t help a career as audiences might begin to question your judgement.

It is also interesting to observe that to accompany this fluctuating West End, legislation now insists that companies are no longer allowed to edit critics and thereby mislead audiences. The first noticeable changes are the publications that get quoted in the search for a favourable bon mot – Metro, Evening Standard or Daily Mail quotes are being replaced with Whatsonstage.com, South London Press or even The Stage. One quote, used in an ad for Never Forget, highlights the ‘best fire and rain effects on a West End stage’…….mmmmm, clutching at straws to find a good quote methinks.

To this end, I shall run a little competition – if you will. A couple of years ago I reviewed this show and hated it. If you were the Producer and this was all you had – how many doctored quotes could you get to drag audiences in? I have high-lighted an obvious one to give you the idea. There will be a small prize – probably a make-over or something - for the most quotes! Enjoy.

Saucy Jack and the Space Vixens
The Venue, London
6 December – 18 February

Across space in a seedy cabaret club a series of grisly murders occur by a character known as the Slingback Killer. As another artiste is discovered murdered the Space Vixens are called in to halt the blood lust and save the day with the Power of Disco.

The creators have put together a recipe for a real fun night out provided you don’t examine the ingredients too closely. Certain performances are quite powerful such as Fay Tozer as the voluptuous investigative vixen, Jubilee Climax. Carmen Cusack is quite superb as the lusty, biker-chick Chesty Prospects and until her entrance this show wobbles along on extremely dodgy platforms. Much is made of the Vixens prior to their entrance and thankfully they are actually worth the wait. Melitsa Nicola is a delight as Bunny Lingus and her scenes with Cusack are easily the best in the show. The rest is a mish-mash of sub-standard Rocky Horror fare held together with strong voices and sharp dance routines.

Wardrobe and make-up are particularly shabby with a design concept that shows little imagination and less skill. Discerning audiences may find that even the Power of Disco may not be able to save this night out.

Doctor Who and the Attack of the Botox

As a fan of the series I was somewhat bemused by the appearance of Billie Fox nee Piper as Rose Tyler. Not in a peculiar plot-twist way, but in the fact that she seemed vaguely unable to speak without a lisp? What made me smile – thankfully I still can – is the fact that judging by the promo for this weeks exciting episode, Miss Barrowman has been zapped disastrously too! Will these beauties never learn?

Ever Feel The Urge?

I have never really been a big fan of takeaway food in the West End. When I have a shift at the hotel it can be so difficult to find something that can satisfy me. Now I have discovered how wonderful the Cornish Pasty Shop can be! One large traditional pasty left me feeling slightly guilty but thoroughly satisfied. I may try them more often now as it really filled a hole!

A Midsummer Night's Pantomime

On what seemed destined to be a show-free week for me I was somewhat delighted when Lloyd called me to ask me to the RVT for a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Naturally it was so sweet that somebody was actually asking me to a play and it was even more of a lovely surprise when it turned out that Jonotron, Howard and Griff were there too. Midsummer was a time for revels that seems to have been lost for many years and I thought it a marvelous opportunity for the team in Vauxhall to reclaim the festival and make it their own. And what better way than with this play! Upon arrival I studied the cast list with glee as it seems I had already reviewed each member and they all held a particular affection as promising stars in an increasingly eclectic cabaret firmament.

I can never quite fully take off my reviewer’s hat however and whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the evening’s entertainment I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not this had been a missed opportunity. Nathan Evans, who was responsible for the adaptation and also performed really hit the nail on the head giving relatively large audience just the sort of silly, camp entertainment they wanted. His cast were by and large impeccable. Each one, so used to handling a lively audience and ready and willing with a sly ad lib or an hilarious put-down – sadly ignored by a chattering bunch of late-arrivals right at the front! Rather like Shakespeare’s play this production was a broad, colourful pantomime interspersed with a few musical numbers, rhyming couplets, sauce, filth and audience participation.

Where was the opportunity that had been missed, I hear you ask? Rehearsal. Rehearsal. Rehearsal. The performances just – ONLY JUST - saved this show from looking thrown together the evening before. Nathan Evans – if you are listening – we deserve better than that so look to the future. You need to prepare this in plenty of time for next year. Fine tune the script, get the cast to commit, get access to more funding. Start a tradition. I want to be one of the people who in 10 years time whines on about how I was there when it all began. Make the RVT Midsummer Panto THE thing to do on Midsummer’s Night.
And if you ignore this? Well I may just have to put you over my knee, young man!!!!!

The Brooklyn Bridge

I couldn't help myself :-)

Quiz Night

It’s very rare that I manage to socialize with the people at work, save the occasional foray with Scott to a play. Last night a Quiz Night was organized at The Woolpack and I must say a rather good time was had by all. There was a meal – always a plus – and plenty of booze on tap. People were on fine form and the question rounds were a laugh too! They included a Tasting Round, where we had 10 bags of crisps and we had to guess the flavours; a Movie Soundbites round, that failed a little on sound quality and a TV Themes round – my strongest round. I must admit, you were fairly unlikely to get anything right in that round if you were born less than 25 years ago. Although a surprising number of people didn’t get The Sopranos – which I never watched.

TV Theme tunes wave over me with a glow of nostalgia and in actual fact, I have a bookmark on my computer at work to a site dedicated to many from around the world. If you fancy a touch of nostalgia, or a round or two against your loved one then click on the link to enjoy. Rediscover the delights of classics such as Laverne & Shirley, Cheers and St. Elsewhere or classic English fayre such as Juliet Bravo, The Gentle Touch or The Onedin Line.

Enjoy! And I hope you have better luck that my team had – we were fifth out of five!

An Offer I Can Quite Easily Refuse

This is the third message I have received on Gaydar in as many weeks in a similar vein. I am not sure what these boys, and they are just boys, are actually looking for but I was rather hoping my profile didn’t attract teenage Eastern European gold-diggers.

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!My name Aleksandr!!!!!!! You know, what at you very remarkable structure? Yes it is valid so. I have read your structure. And you have seemed to me very good and remarkable the man. I would like to get acquainted with you. I would be very happy to our acquaintance. If you also want to get acquainted with me. I shall be very glad. Write to me on mine mail. Aleksandropen@rambler.ru

Father Dear Father

Sunday has been rather fun but very knackering. Howard had a lovely party in Brockley to celebrate his birthday and after midnight I was in the garden fighting with lightsabres and drinking red wine. Also I got to slouch on the couch with Lloyd, which was nice. I got home at about 3.00am to find that Jules had fallen asleep on the sofa and had just woken up.

I got up at about 10.00am tidied up and then awaited the onslaught of children and fathers. I managed to get William and Taylor into the garden to help for a bit but they weren't very interested - I ended up doing a lot of work though, planting my sunflowers, some geraniums and replanting the lavender. I hope it was all worth it.

I then took the boys swimming which was very strange as, obviously, I could do very little except keep and eye on the kids and stop them from enjoying themselves too much. Back home there was a roast dinner in the garden. By the time they left at 7.00 I was out of it. Jules managed to take this photo of me after trying to be a father for a day! I think I will need to go back to Daddy School!

Family

I don't have a Father and have not had one for most of my adult life so Fathers Day has tended to pass me by much of the time. The concept of family life has bemused me ever since. I did not have a particularly good relationship with my Dad, although it was probably not much different than any other teen-son/father relationship. His death was sudden and to be honest I have never really been able to mourn him as he seemed so alien to me and I was so young, mentally at least, when he died of heart failure in 1981. I think my older brother was more affected by it as his teenage years were more angsty and there were lots of unresolved issues between the two of them. I remember him punching the wall in frustration when he died and the tears he shed. At the time I wondered why I shed none?

I have a very large family - six brothers and sisters and because of age differences and a mother who has managed to alienate so many of us, we have all gone on to lead separate lives. I am the only one who has moved out of Gloucester and in retrospect it was the only possible thing to do.

Large families do not necessarily make happy families. My parent’s was not a particularly happy marriage from what I could gather and I was too young to remember my father before the stroke that debilitated him for nearly a year. Essentially I grew up with a younger sister and an older brother in the home – my elder siblings had fled the nest and already building families. Father would be at the pub every night without fail and as I entered my teens my mother began seeing other men behind his back. We were encouraged to cover for her so I spent many nights growing up, praying that our mother would be back before my father got home. If she wasn’t, there would be trouble. No violence, to my knowledge but arguments, screaming, tears and trouble.

I spent many years thinking I understood my mother’s behaviour after dad’s death. Her re-marriage into a loveless union in order to have a nice home for once in her life. My new father didn’t like me and the feeling was quite mutual, but I left mother alone understanding how she needed the security he offered. It never occurred to me the damage my mother was inflicting not only on me, but on my younger sister, who was forced to move out and spent the next ten years suffering various mental breakdowns and entering a string of abusive relationships. When the step-father died two years ago mother was at last free to live her own life in a nice house where her family would be welcome. I visited her then and found it very difficult to talk to her. We had not held a proper conversation, a mutual understanding, for over 25 years. What can one say after this much time? I love you? I miss you? It’s so good to be able to communicate with you again after all this time? It was too late.

Since then, it appears I have another step-father. I was never informed of my mother’s new marriage, was not invited to the wedding and to this day, have no idea of my mother’s name. I have decided to keep it that way.

By a sheer fluke, however Me Julie's father, Jim will be arriving on Sunday for lunch. It has been a fair few years since I have seen him and Julie only invited him assuming he would once again refuse. He didn't - and he arrives on Sunday along with Julie's sister Sarah and her two boys William & Taylor.

So rather than spending a leisurely Sunday in bed with Lloyd he will no longer be coming over and frankly I don't blame him in the slightest – families are weird. It will be nice to see Sarah and the boys again - I shall take the boys swimming as it appears they both remember the last time I took them – 7 years ago. Seeing Jim will be odd, a bit like having a grown-up over for dinner. Let it be a day for Fathers. Jim will get a little drunk I suspect. Vincent in Ireland should be being spoiled rotten. I am sure that some bear community somewhere will be celebrating with a Daddy special in XXL or the Kings Arms.

I shall think of my father too and say a little prayer for him and all Fathers who are fighting for a chance to be allowed the right to communicate with their kids. I have learned through experience that not all mothers are natural parents.

A Mellotron

Until today I didn't know what one of these was! Perhaps a Doctor Who monster? Really did not know. As of this evening, I have been asked to illustrate the front cover of the definative book about them. Want to know what one is? Look it up!!!!! Except you, Chris, who no doubt will be bristling with excitement over the project I am sure.

Sex & The City

The fabled day finally arrived when on 28th May Sex & The City – The Movie opened in the UK. I dragged my poor unsuspecting date along to watch it at a very late showing in Leicester Square. Now let me say I am a fan of the series. I do not consider myself an unquestioning fan. I avoided much of Series 1 as I found the characters hard and decidedly un-likable. I have just revisited Series 2 & 3 on my new BT Vision service and it was nice to be reminded how great it became. It was not because of the shoes, and not because of the sex. It was simply because of the great writing. With this in mind, the movie could have been a stinker but the writing holds up and my date seemed to enjoy himself almost as much as I did. I shall not spoil the plot for those who have not seen it yet but fans will LOVE it and it manages to appeal to any newbies too.

I has just occurred to me however, that the movie may get a frozen welcome from those who work in the wedding industry. The average wedding now costs upwards of £20,000 and as Big cowered in the back of his limousine and watched Carrie scuttle to her humiliation in her gorgeous Vivienne Westwood frock I asked myself, are outlandish weddings guaranteed to frighten off the Groom?

Loving Art, Hannah and Martin - but not at the same time

My first week back in town meant getting straight down to The Landor Theatre in North Clapham where a new small musical would be premiered called Loving Art. I was rather excited about this for several reasons. Firstly, the Landor has a reputation for good musicals and secondly, it would be a good chance to gossip with Scott about what had happened since I had been away – particularly on Doctor Who and I’d Do Anything. That part of the evening went well and Scott bought me up to date but sadly Loving Art was execrable. Utter trash that finally changed my mind about the Landor. I had seen a couple of things there recently and none of it had been good but I felt it might have been a glitch. Nope. Loving Art has won the award this year so far for Turkey on the Fringe.

The following evening – keep up – I went to the newly renovated Courtyard Theatre in Hoxton to see Hannah and Martin. No, these aren’t a couple of installation artists it is a play. Could I get anyone to go with me? Fat chance! On paper this one is a stinker reeking of headlines such as ‘thought provoking’, ‘turmoil’ and ‘thematic’. The extremely un-sexy PR, and there is no other way this play can be promoted, is in fact a real diamond. A jewel of a story with a relatively strong cast and a second act that had me on the edge of my seat – gripping stuff. It’s a shame that the set looked like it had been put together that afternoon. I should have known it was going to be good when I finally realised that nobody was going to be there with me.

Gone - but not forgotten

Upon returning to the UK the biggest theatre news to hit me was the fact that Gone With The Wind, which opened on 22nd April will close before the last week in June. This is the closest I have ever been to a monumental failure – Gareth was on the crew and Lee was an ASM. I saw the opening night and quite frankly, I cannot understand where the money came from for it to open it was such a corker. That’s two big closures in less than six months (Desperately Seeking Susan being the other) – life on the West End must been feeling pretty grim at the moment. Still, I have Zorro - El Musical to look forward to in July – gulp!

Out Of Action

It may seem like a lame excuse but my laptop has been in the shop for repairs, hence the delay in blogging. Gareth, bless him, managed to spill a drop of Red Bull in the keyboard resulting in keys shorting left, right and centre. Until it is picked up, I have been using his keyboard and have managed to do a little bit of proper work. The rest of the time I just seem to have been cruising Wikipedia. If all this makes me seem a little lazy that is not the case and I shall try to publish some pieces – albeit without the facility of loading pictures – not that my camera has seen the light of day since NYC. Gosh, I am crap at the camera stuff!

It's Official!

For those readers who are interested, I have now stopped being a gentleman! :-)